“Desolate Dreams”

Series by Charlotte Carrendar And Xymmerick Zypherus

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‘Episode 2: Downtown Squad Car Boogey.”

XymmerickZypherus ; – Sometime around five in the afternoon the news headlines the event from earlier with the two ‘o’clock madness. But, the real story was when suddenly the report cuts live downtown where a police car had its tires put on bricks in the middle of the street and was covered in christmas lights and confetti. The officer was the same from earlier and was cussing up a storm. The reporter goes up to the officer.

Reporter: Officer. What exactly happened.

Officer: WHAT HAPPENED?!?!? I’LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED!!!! THE DAMNED MANIAC WENT OFF ON SOME ANNOYING RANT ABOUT HAVE A DOWNTOWN SQAUD CAR BOOGEY. AND BEFORE I KNOW IT HE HAD SOMEHOW PICKED THE LOCK TO THE BACK DOOR. THEN SOME OTHER CRAZED IDIOTS COME FLAILING FROM SOME ALLEY DRESSED LIKE NUNS AND BEGIN TO TAKE MY TIRES AND THEN DECORATE MY CAR TO LOOK LIKE A DAMNED CHRISTMAS PINATA!

::The report ends its live feed. Suddenly, the band of nuns and the man who was arrested prior come flailng out of the alley carrying waiter trays and banjos. They begin singning some crazed number as they jump on the sqaud car. The police officer retaliated but out of no where two of the nun dressed men pulls his pants down then trip him before they put the officers handcuffs on the officer himself. The crazed leader finds the squad car megaphone. you hear a loud eep.::

Man: Woohoo! Downtown Squad Car Boogey! What’s up Los Angelo!!

Random Nun: But we’re in New York….

Man: Really?…..WELL HELLO NEW YORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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CharlotteCarrendar : – There is nothing worse than being lost in a metropolis, with all your worldly possessions in a plaid suitcase, a tattered novel in your hand, and the chill of the winter’s blast upon your shivering body. Clearly, the British expat was terribly unprepared for this journey to find claim to her fate. Gia’s earlier encounter with the crazy cab driver, who ripped her off with his dodgy meter, then the wild pan handler, whose antics got him into trouble with the cold hand of the law, left her with a bitter taste in her mouth.

By now, she was a pale face within a sea of people with no names. Being pushed and jostled as she tried to keep her footing on the slippery city side walks, it appeared that the madness was far from over in this god forsaken city.

Clutching her bag handle tightly within the curl of her slender digits, she looked frightful as the snow had melted upon her hair, and given her the “wet look”. Not at all desirable or flattening. Wide eyes encountered a bizzare sight ahead. A police car that was up on bricks, its tyres stolen, and what was even stranger was the fact it was decked out with more christmas lights and confetti, then a Macy’s parade float.

“What the devil?”

As luck would have it, the local news team had got wind of the incident, and the Police officer was being questioned by a gleeful reporter, eager to get such a humorous scoop. Though the Police were respected in the city; this sort of event always brought a smile to the viewers faces.

But just when you thought that was enough to hit the high on the crazy for a day meter, a group of nuns came barrelling out of an alley, carrying waiter trays and banjos. Clearly this had to be some sort of set up prank, and imagined the Cop was being punk’d. The screams of delight from the crowds were growing, as one of the group found the police megaphone, and gave his all, directed at the watching public. Gia herself was caught in the crush, and could only watch on as the mayhem continued.

Man: Woohoo! Downtown Squad Car Boogey! What’s up Los Angelo!!

Gia facepalmed, with the book in her hand, slapping it to her forehead. She was sure she was in New York, then this bloke was welcoming people to Los Angelus. Now she was starting to question her own sanity.

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XymmerickZypherus:: – The nuns begin to start playing their banjos. The man with the megaphone begins to jig. But then he stops and has one of those ‘light bulb moments’. He runs back into the alley. Ten minutes later he comes back dressed like a yodler in clogs and is followed by even more nunes with tubas! Soon tubas and banjos play god aweful mocking polka music. The man takes the megaphone and does a stereotypical voice of a swedish person.::

Man: Velcums to ze doon toon buggy! Vwe vwould likeyas to jooin our foon non?

Random nun: But isnt that how the french talk…..

::The man pulls out an accordian and begins to play it only adding to the obnoxious tones. The man begins to isng.::

Man: Oi!!!! Gevalt! Gevalt! What doos that even mean! I dunce, I cried, I zthinks I evens peed!

Nuns with banjos in unison: And we all know! That the letter is ‘O’!

::The nuns with waiter trays go around bashing people in the head with the trays before dragging them into the riot in the street. The man with the banjo chucks it at some random red head guy. Then he goes clogging towards a woman he saw earlier with the book.::

Man: Oi! Good’a daysin misseh! Tis woondefult is its anon?!?! I seeya likey le olden tales I used to strudel. Now isa makes em trues! Dontcha remember thisa from the loost chapter to the sequel where ole benny goes bottoms up in amsterdam!?!?!

::He grabs the woman by her arm and drags her into the cacophony of nuns, police and mad persons. He yells to the nuns.::

Man: Oi laddies! Iza founds us a new yodless!

Random Nun: Is yodless even a word?

Random Nun: Now he sounds like he’s using scottish words….does he ever get it right?!?!?

Man: Now join in misseh! GEVALT! GEVALT! WHAT DOOS THAT EVEN MEAN! I DUNCE, I CRIED, I ZTHINKS I EVEN PEED!

Male Nuns?: AND WE ALL KNOW! THE LETTER IS ‘O’!

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CharlotteCarrendar : – Seized suddenly by the strange man who had only earlier been playing the accordion, wilder than Weird Al Yankovic; Gia’s face turns the colour of crimson, near dying of embarrassment. In the wild of the moment, her fingers wet from the snow, loses grip of her plaid bag, as she is dragged into the mad circus of nuns bashing passersby with their waiter trays in time to the beat of the music. The wild man yells at his followers:

Man: Oi laddies! Iza founds us a new yodless!

Gia: “No…no stop that!…Wait my bag?! Stop…please…my bag…it’s..”

Her head jerks around only to see a street rat snatch up her bag and run off into the crowd, while Gia screams out.

“Nooo!”

The random nuns and the wild man are gibbering on about yodless, whatever that was meant to be, though it was spoken in relation to Gia. The man demands that Gia join in and is now shouting on the top of his lungs, loudly whipping up the nuns, who all question him by saying loudly;

Male Nuns?: AND WE ALL KNOW! THE LETTER IS ‘O’!

Gia is distraught and starts to beat the man with the tattered book, to make him let her go.

“My bag…I was just robbed. You mad git! Let me go….Help…Police!?…Anybody?!”

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XymmerickZypherus :: – The man returns her beating with a book with a book of his own which he plundered off some random man.::

Man: Inze moon coontreh theh booting of ze books is ze syne uhf marrudge eh?

::He blinks when the woman yells::

“My bag…I was just robbed. You mad git! Let me go….Help…Police!?…Anybody?!”

::The music stops and the nuns gasp. The man growls. Suddenly his voice goes to that of a King Authur Mimic.::

Man: Release the royal goat!

Random Nun: Royal…goat?

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XymmerickZypherus:: – The man yanks open the door of the police car. The royal goat appears to be actually a royal bull. And royal bull was sedated until said door was open. Royal bull begins to buck. The man suddenly yanks the woman and jumps with her onto the bull which is blindfolded with reigns. The bull goes berserk and people start fleeing. The bull is steered by the man who suddenly appears to have acquired a knight’s helmet and shoves one onto the woman as well. He raises a wooden plank.::

Man: Knights of the Plaid table! Retrieve the queens Holy Plaid! Crusade! Charge!

Nuns: Yah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

::The nuns suddenly run into the alley and are driving mopeds and the man is riding down the street. The rat who had the bag looks behind him and yelps.::

Man: There’s the blasphemer! In the name of the Holy Plaid and the queen I command you to lay down your arms!

Rat: What!?!?!

Man: Take off ye apendages and place them upon the ground and ye shalt remain unharmed.

::The rat grunts and pulls out a pistol and shoots at the man. The rat misses as the bull reared his horns at him. The man jumps off the bull and dropkicks the man. He retrieves the bag however the bull had taken off with the woman.:

Man: We have retrieved the Holy Plaid!

Nuns: Hoorah!

Man: Now we must retrieve the queen and the holy goat…

Random Nun: But…it’s…a bull?

Man: TO THE HONOR OF THE HOLY PLAID!

:The man jumps on one of the mopeds and the nun-knights charge after the bull::

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CharlotteCarrendar : – Was this reality? Or was it some crazed dream brought about by some inner personal conflict that Gia had blotted from her mind, and now come to the fore, as soon as her bag was snatched by some common city thief? Gia beat the crazed man who held her in a vice like grip with her only possession; the tattered novel of her beloved author.

No, this was a nightmare, that was becoming more insane then any Stanley Kubrick film, as the crazed man called to arms the Knights of the Plaid Table.

Man: Knights of the Plaid table! Retrieve the queens Holy Plaid! Crusade! Charge!

Nuns: Yah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gia: “What?!”

But what happened next, simply was like a scene from some bizaare cult film, that had spent way too much on special effects. The door to the police car was yanked open to reveal…

Man: Release the royal goat!

It was not a goat however, but a blindfolded bull. A BULL! In the middle of New York city, and was it ever angry, after seeming to come down off the effects of some hallucinogenic drug. Horror was now masked upon the face of Gia, as she was pulled up and onto the back of the blindfolded bull, where she was proclaimed to be the Queen of the Holy Plaid. Fearing the worse, she actually gripped around the waist of the crazed man, who was now acting like King Arthur himself.

Down the street, the street rat was trying to dodge and dart through the crowd, that was amazed to see the couple now atop the angered and reigned blind bull. From out of the alley, came the roar of mopeds. Nuns were now riding them, with their habits whipping back as they tore down the street, in an attempt to catch the Holy Plaid stealing street rat. With a look of absolute shock and fear, the street rat sees the oncoming procession, all of which were after him for his crime against the Queen of the Holy Plaid, who herself was in a state of shock to be riding a bull.

Down the street they charged, and a cheer erupts from the crowd, while overhead a police chopper is joining in on the action, a large bullhorn is heard from high in the skies above.

“STOP THAT BULL!”

:”EEEEEKKKK!” cried Gia, as her “Hero” of the moment, leapt off the bull to apprehend the Street rat and claim back the Holy Plaid. She was now gripping the top of the bull, as it started to buck and toss its head about, with sharp horns, that could gauge any wayward nun. No one was safe, least of all the British lass whose eyes were going round and round in their sockets. The gun fire that had startled the bull, and sent it careening down a main street, with cars pulling off the road to let it through, now had much of the crowds gasping, as Gia screamed in fear, holding on for dear life. Where was animal rescue when you needed it?

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